Happy Birthday Josh

I wrote this a few months ago for Josh's birthday. I couldn't post it at the time, but now I think is a good time...


Happy Birthday Josh.
Thanks so much for being a part of our lives.
It's impossible to think back on the last few years and not remember you as part of it.
You walking up to our house in Chapel Hill with Abby and N just to say hi. All your interesting knowledge about Crystallography which you patiently explained. Your excitement at finally being a dad. Your patience with our kids as they yelled in your arms. Home made bread. Pork-fest. Smarmy comments during Passover dinner. The first time I ever heard the phrase "fundy". Hiking in Eno.

This week we will all be together in the house where most of us last saw you. While I know it's not going to be fun remembering you there and how you aren't, I feel sure our time together missing you will be fun in all the right ways.

The last 9 months since you died have been, well, unpleasant. It's been hard to watch Lauren deal with it. She was so gracious in insisting that my home make-over efforts actually helped when clearly it was a bad replacement for what she really needed... you.

It's been interesting seeing how people other than the ones you lived with have dealt with the loss. I saw Morela recently and she said that your death has given her the clarity to focus on her own career. She realized that you can't count on your mate to be there, so she needed to take the reins on her newly expanding opportunities and not be timid. Not that Morela is timid in any situation, but it made a big impression on her.

Others see your loss as a reminder that you need to appreciate the time you have. Spend more time with friends and family, keep in touch, write emails, call. As I write this, I remember that this was certainly something I vowed and now that time has passed I have lapsed back into my old habits.

Most recently we have shared pictured from the beach last year. It's difficult & sad to see those pictures of the last time we were all together. But more importantly it makes me really happy to see you so happy with your wonderful family.

Happy Birthday Josh, sorry you weren't there to help us celebrate it.